TOUCHSTONE&TALISMAN

BLOOMING IN THE DARK

Night Blooming Cereus is a desert plant that blossoms for one night only, in the hours around midnight, releasing a fragrance of unforgettable joy before it dies at dawn. I had never heard of these plants until a neighbour brought one to my door at 10 o clock one summer night, he had been moved to show me these two enormous dinner plate sized, shivering blooms of pure love, during a dark time of grief in my life.

From then on it all started to change and I began to live magically, here is my story.....

I was broken. A state of shattered shock. Crushed in the finality of this moment. Of the unbearable knowledge that it was over. His life had been lived and he was now gone. Just like that. The chance to meet and love each other had happened, against all odds, and was now past. We could never touch again. A tiny jewelled window in eternity had closed on a love like no other I'd ever known. Gone forever from this world.

Time evaporated into an unthinkable primal scream. I searched the ends of the arching universe for him. Until stretched thinly across the dense blackness and soaked with grief I began to sense a light sweetness seeping slowly through me. I let go of feeling, expecting no comfort and my mind slid away into silence. It was then, strangely, that the world shifted and something began to lift me high.

I was at that very moment existing in a space of grace, a special, sacred and parallel world. It was as if barriers were lifting, allowing me to rise up and outwards and I could see my life shimmering through a new multilayered perspective of rainbow light. I felt immense love for everything in existence. My senses raw with emotion perceived life as more vivid, literally and metaphorically. It was as if the Universe had become a rainstorm of song and I was being finely tuned in until suddenly I could hear and see the flux of it all from deep within the still-point of myself. I knew without knowing that I was changing, that my soul was opening up in gratitude like a star flower of multiple pink petals unfolding out to receive the light.

As my highly sensitised state began to fade, I found I didn't want to ever forget its luminous clarity and so decided to consciously cultivate it. This heightened awareness of our connections to the cosmic web and beyond is not unique to me of course, but I began to practice it in my everyday life. To invite in a new way of seeing, of being, where nothing was mundane and where my decisions and actions were initiated from a purely intuitive place of love.

My life began to flow in new ways, some moments drenched in such incandescent sweetness they took my breath away. I remembered. I meditated. I gave back. I spent time alone listening to nature. I found myself saying no to things I didn’t want to do and moving away from people who drained me. Yes to things that scared me but that I wanted to do and opening up to new friends and teachers. I wrote. I danced. And slowly the rhythms of my life changed to flow not backwards or forwards but towards....

Four years later I am no longer in the throes of acute grief and pain over the loss of this extraordinary magical man who was the touchstone of my life for more than a decade. Life is, in many ways, back to normal. But I am not the same. I am gratefully awake, eyes wide with wonder, expansiveness, receptivity and reflection.

There has been re-awakened in me an old heightened awareness of the numinous rhythmic beauty of decay and renewal that is the cosmic spirit of Nature. I seek soul in everything. I am fascinated by the nebulous meeting points of modern physics and mysticism where contiguous patterns continue to enlighten and echo. My mind is being urged differently and can sense the emerging paradigm shift in our human collective consciousness as the Universe continues to evolve.

As I walk my new path I am enriched by the shining people encountered along the way. I have sat at their feet under the cold stars in wild forests at sunrise and breathed in the petrichor of their wisdoms. After my own mirror shattered, I faced the ancient dark looking glass alone and entered into the presence of the divine feminine where I was blessed with self healing and learnt to see and honour the light between us. I now see clearly the river of my days, of my existence, as creative and energising and sacred and beautiful. I've discovered the art of embracing the grief of living in full knowledge of dying. Nothing frightens me any more.

After almost drowning in the heart- soaked broken-open alchemy of death I've learnt that we shouldn't try to ignore, cast away or bury the rocks of grief but to hold them close, to place them in our own river of abundance and time so that we surge over, around and under them, polishing, smoothing, cherishing, creating a spiralling eddying deepening flow that keeps moving meaningfully towards all that has gone before us. Remember that in a river without any rocks there are no deep refreshing pools and the river silts up, slows and spreads, meandering, wasting its energy.

I see that we are each carving our own unique human channel through the shifting landscape of space and time. If our outer world mirrors our inner one we live our true lives uniquely and ever more deeply. By giving attention to wherever we are in the shining now and setting our intentions with love we add to the swirling beauty of all that is and this we can do.

But sometimes I simply miss him. In those moments my life will temporarily shrink back before my eyes. But I know now I only have to ask then I can see, dancing in the air all around me, countless millions of gossamer wavy points of vibrating light, and sense the caress of these shining resonant chords that are the unbreakable connections of love. And I am urged to remember that this new conscious way of beautiful wordless seeing allows for limitless possibility and potential. It shows us that we are all forever connected and that everything is available to us always and my quality of life expands to infinity.

As a mystical girl in this material world I am passionate about awakening others to their own cosmic connection, higher potential and nourishing wisdoms. I believe everyone carries their own universe, their own starry oracle within. I have experienced great love, seen much and know much, which only serves to fire my curiosity and enthusiasm for life. In my sixth decade I guess my accomplishments would be considered eclectic and my conversations are wide ranging as they dip and soar, and whilst I like to question our world, I keep a mind full of wonder and awe, paying deep attention to soul and adding beauty where I can, laughing at the absurdity of it all, safe in the knowledge that there is no end to love....

CINNAMONGIRL